Marriages in India are breaking like biscuits!

Marriages in India are breaking like biscuits!

To those who have watched Netflix Original 'Indian Matchmaking', this line will seem quite familiar. Well, hate it, love it, detest it, enjoy it, say what you may, but the series 'Indian Matchmaking' does manage to stir up several emotions in one! 

This show has been taking the internet by storm and after listening to multiple references and not relating to any of them, I eventually succumbed to the temptation of watching it. Imagining it to be some fiction series, I sat down to watch it and it was only then that I realized that it was what you supposedly call a 'Reality Show'!

I'm not a fan of these reality shows at all. I mean how can one be their true self in front of a camera if its not a home video of course! So true to its name, the show is about a matchmaker from Mumbai, Sima Aunty, as she's referred to, who travels across the world searching prospective brides and grooms for her clients. Her clients are usually NRIs and also few stinking rich Indians.

The people who've been introduced in the show as looking forward to getting married are so diversely weird that you end up feeling sick at how they are! Of course, there are a few bearable ones, and one genuinely nice man, Vyasar, who's seems to be an amiable person but people like Aparna and Akshay ended up scaring the living daylights out of me! 

Aparna, for instance, thinks she's absolutely perfect in every sense and dismisses people in such a diminutive manner, that you start detesting her. Having to stay with her husband all the time is a repulsive thought for her and she feels that humour in a man is certainly not a good trait. Then go marry a machine, I’d say! Who doesn’t like some humour? What finally seals the deal is that she’s an intelligent, strong headed and independent woman but she too falls into the trap of astrology and gemstones!

Then comes the cringeworthy Akshay. His interactions with his mom and family make you feel like saying, “Be a man! Just don’t get married if you don’t want to.” His mom is going crazy as her younger son, Akshay hasn’t got married even at the RIPE age of 25!!!!!!!!!!! Can you beat that! She behaves like a maniac, blaming him for turning down proposals, thereby raising her BP levels. She has collected expensive clothes and jewelry for her daughter-in-law, who’s nowhere in sight. Even the prospect of her elder son not going ahead for a baby, is stuck because Akshay is not getting married. Such a control freak, this woman is! How can anyone not asphyxiate in such an environment?

It reminded me of an interview of Jaya Bachchan in which she said that Aishwarya is a nice daughter in law, she stays behind, keeps low-key and just listens. Think about it! You feel a daughter in law is nice if she keeps quiet. Seriously! Go get a pet for yourself. You can’t be treating girls like commodities.

Then comes another character Rupam, a very sweet woman and a devout Sikhni who’s a divorcee and a mother to a girl. Her father, turns down a proposal, just considering the fact that the prospective groom was an Indian who’d divorced his American wife. So, since there was an American woman in his life earlier, the old fella judges him basis that. What kind of racism is that? Come to think of it, her daughter’s ex-husband whom she divorced after eight years of marriage was a Sikh and the reason for the divorce was that he was an infidel! So, what makes a person from the same ethnicity any better than the other?

Over to the famous woman, Sima aunty. Her constant statements like women need to compromise, you’re a divorcee and its difficult to find a match for one, a woman entrepreneur is  a strong headed independent woman for whom finding a match is almost impossible, make you wince at the kind of thought process, people still have.

She goes around to face readers, astrologers, gemstone experts, sends her clients to life coaches, I mean just look at that! People in the 21^st century are still believing in all this? People do have a vision for the kind of life partner they would want in life but the way they’ve depicted it on the show is surely not quite tasteful. The show definitely must be serving as a big promotion for the already booming business of this woman, but it does give us a reality check as to how the mindsets of people still work in India.

For me, this show was pathetic, regressive, repulsive and portrayed Indian culture in very poor light.

The only thing I liked about the show was the appearance of endearing old couples at the beginning of every episode, sharing their stories and the one thing that I related to, was spoken by one of them, who said that, ‘There’s someone for everyone but somebody has to get them introduced.’

Isn’t that true? That somebody could be friends, cousins, colleagues, Tinder, Bumble and even our parents. Marriage is beautiful and when you come across the one, do not hesitate, just take the plunge!

 

BATTLING STRESS/ANXIETY DURING COVID TIMES....

Before I begin writing, I just want to say that I’m not a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist so whatever I write is purely based on the experience gained during the years I’ve spent on this planet.

Stress or anxiety is not something unheard of. The present situation of the world has only added to the woes of people already battling the hectic ways of life. It isn’t surprising at all that more and more people are feeling alienated and detached during this pandemic. In fact, it is quite normal for people to have strange feelings!

Now the Covid situation is not something we can control, so what can we do in such times to keep negative thoughts at bay?

Let’s try to jot down some things we can do:

Engage in a hobby-

You have often been cribbing about not getting enough time for your hobby, then what are you waiting for! Now is the time. I understand that work schedules have become more demanding than before, but we can still take out some time. Since there is no way you can go to the mall or to a friend’s place for a party, why not use this time to nurture you long lost hobby or maybe cultivate a new one!

                       

Pick up the books that have been stacked in the bookshelf since ages-

Nothing substitutes a good book. Of course, you don’t need to pick up a book to please anyone so just go for the genre that you like most. Could be an autobiography, romance, thriller or just about anything. Nobody is judging you and if someone is, why do you care? I’m sure you do have that one book which you picked up with the urge of reading but never got the time.

                                             

Try out a new recipe-

Needless to say, most of us looovvvveee eating, don’t we? Go to Youtube, search for your favourite recipe, arrange the material required and go ahead. Yeah-yeah, the leading lady of the house might yell at you for all the mess you create in the process but a bite of the divine food you cooked, might just melt down the feigned anger! But what if it doesn’t turn out good? Well, take your chance again; we all learn through trail and error. Didn’t we fall multiple times as infants before we finally learnt to walk? So no harm trying….

                                

Do some introspection-

Yeah right! None of us excel at everything and we don’t even need to. After all, if we become a complete package, what will the rest of the people on this planet do? :-D

Ok, jokes apart, there are still lot of things in us about which we need to do something. There’s always scope for improvement, isn’t it? So every night, keep your phone away, lie down in bed and introspect. Think about where all you need improvement and how will you work towards it. You will think a lot, plan a lot and the execution might not happen instantly, but don’t give up. Target every day with that challenge and sooner or later, you’ll be able to achieve that goal and work upon that flaw of yours.

                                    

Romance Nature-

It’s undeniably the most beautiful thing around us! Best part, it doesn’t accuse you of ogling at it. Look at it in an uninhibited manner and immerse yourself in its loveliness. Look at the trees, how they gracefully sway with the breeze, gaze at the evening sky and admire the brush strokes of various colours, look at the setting sun and watch the horizon gobbling it up, lend an ear to the chirping of the birds, enjoy the night sky studded with millions of stars and try to spot the ‘daag’ in the ‘chaand’. This will relax you instantly.

                                                             

Talk to people you love-

As per me, THIS is the biggest remedy of all times. The power of a simple conversation can never be undermined. Believe me, it works! However big of an introvert we are, all of us have someone, if not quite a number, with whom we can talk our heart out. Gang up with that person and just talk about everything under the sun. If its family good, if not, what are friends for? Pester them incessantly and you’ll feel great! Whatsapp and Instachats are the premium way of keeping in touch during these testing time. I do that, chat about just any random stuff and you have a smile plastered over your face the whole day through. It’s magically therapeutic. Make the best use of technology, chat up over phone. There will definitely be someone, who is ready to lend an ear to whatever you have to say, sensible or senseless, that person will never judge you.

                            

And finally, “One hug a day keeps all problems at bay!” Make sure you’re getting your daily dose of hugs.

So here, I’ve said it. Hope it helps a few.

PS: We love you, no matter how much you score in Boards!

Board results were round the corner. Every student who had appeared for the examination that year, was jittery.

"What if I don't score well?" "What if my percentage is the lowest in the neighbourhood?" "What if I don't live up to the expectations of my parents?" "What if my friends mock me?" These words were ringing aloud in the mind of Prarthna. The apple of her parents eye, born to them after years of wedlock, she had been the center of their world ever since she had entered their lives.

Pampered to the core, she had never had any cloud of doubts about herself but today, for the first time, she was uncertain of herself. 

In those days, the results were not available on the internet. One had to report to school at the given time, when the mark list would be put up on the notice board to be seen by one and all. This was the most dreaded moment as apart from seeing your own result, one could easily check the result of the others. Everyone was under the scanner. The neighbours too would shamelessly ask about your result and you could do nothing but oblige. 

With baited breath, Prarthna looked at the display board. She quickly scanned the list for her name and lo! 75%!!!!!!!! That was unbelievable! The academically bright girl had all her positive hopes shattered. She had studied hard, given her best but could have possibly gone wrong? She knew that mathematical calculations sent her into a tizzy but still she had hoped for better marks. 

The notice board area reverberated with various sounds. Celebratory, joyful, excited, angry, upset, nervous, all emotions mixed together in the air. Prarthna retreated slowly. She could not relate to anything that was happening there. She had disappeared into a world of her own thoughts. Amidst this banter, nobody realized that Prarthna had left.

Absent mindedly she walked along the snaky road which lead up to her home but instead of walking home, her feet veered into another direction, the direction of the cliffs. She couldn’t begin to imagine how her parents would react when they would get to know that their beloved daughter had failed them! Standing at the edge of the cliff, she surveyed the vast expanse of green around her. She wanted to get lost in that green, never again to face her parents.

While she was contemplating this, one little voice told her, “Go home! Your parents are waiting.” As if, breaking from her reverie, Prarthna realized what she was just about to do! She quickly walked back to her home. Her parents were pacing up and down the balcony when she spotted them. They waved cheerily at her. Her faint wry smile in return told them that something was amiss and they knew exactly what had happened.

“Wow! My daughter has got 75%! That’s a distinction percentage. I could just manage a first division in my time,” said her father. “You’ve crossed a milestone in life,” said her mother. “Let’s celebrate!!!!!” Both her parents said together.

This reaction of her parents and what she had been contemplating just a short while ago, sent a chill down her spine! How could she have even thought of taking such a drastic step? How could her parents have handled this? God! She was so insane to have even thought of committing such a gory sin! She was ever so thankful to that voice of reason which had stopped her just in the nick of time.

Is MEDIOCRITY acceptable?

Just before hitting bed last night, my 16-year old, asked me a pertinent question. He wanted to know, what are the things one should aim for in life? Now getting into a discussion with him is quite demanding, so dying to sleep, I tried to avoid the question, but he was too keen, and I eventually had to relent.

In no particular order, I told him:- Happiness, respect and love. Next, he immediately wanted to know the order these things occurred in my priority list. That I knew was the trap; and I very well knew that I was stepping into one because you say one thing, he says another, and then the conversation goes on endlessly.

Well, I told him that all these things for me are inter-related. The answer did not seem to satisfy him, and he again pressed on for the order. So, I told him, respect comes first. “How?” he wanted to know. I told him, if at the end of the day, a person is able to look into the mirror and respect oneself, then it gives that person immense happiness.

He counter questioned, “Even an evil person respects himself, then should one still aim for it?” “An evil person might live under the false impression of justifying his actions, thereby respecting himself, but he is not respected by anyone in the society,” was my reply.

Pat came another question, “Oh! So, are you now suggesting that one should seek validation from others?”

“Of course,” I replied, “We live in a civilized society wherein our actions determine whether we deserve to command respect from others or not. Therefore, notwithstanding the fact that one should be able to respect himself, external validation is also equally important.” He wasn’t quite happy with this statement of mine.

Then after some more discussion, we touched upon happiness and love.

To bring me to this part had been the very objective of starting this conversation in the first place. He knew I valued happiness and love immensely and that’s where he could play around.

Jumping in immediately, he asked, “What defines happiness?”

Wanting to play the mommy role with him, I instantly said, “The joy parents get from seeing their child succeed in life, is happiness for them.”

“Well, why should happiness depend upon success? Why can’t a person just be mediocre in life and still live happily? Is love really dependent upon success? You both (his parents-us) love me immensely and wouldn’t give up on me in life, even if I decide to lead an average life and not aim for the stars, would you?”, he asked.

As usual, I was stumped! This, has been the crux of his long standing battle with me. He always wants to advocate mediocracy and I keep telling him that he has the brains to make it big, so he must aim for it. At an age when children are preparing for various competitive exams, aiming for the best in life; my boy, is contentedly sitting, thinking that all this is just some rat race, of which he doesn’t want to be a part!

Ever since childhood, he’s never demanded anything. He does not care about his clothes, physical appearance, and does not believe in flaunting anything. I remember once, as a 6-year old, he returned from school, visibly upset. On probing, he asked me, “Why do children have to flaunt money? Don’t they understand, they have done nothing yet to have that money? It is their parents’ money, not theirs!” These words coming from a six-year old had baffled me then.

Often even now, his reasoning leaves me awestruck. He wants to know if nature created children with the ability to say, ‘No’, why then should they be expected to follow everything like a cow and not protest at all?

When I tell him that our happiness or sadness depends upon what he does in life, he stares point blank into my face and tells me, it shouldn’t! Life, he says is a zero. Plus or minus is only the way, we look at it. It is just our perspective towards life. A situation does not make us happy or sad. How we get affected by it, is how we choose to be affected by it!

As a person, I get defeated. As a mother, I do not want to admit that. Hypocrisy! I know…..

He wants to lead an austere life. He doesn’t desire the comforts and luxuries his peers do. I pick him up from school in a rickshaw, on a scooty, a Nano or a Mercedes, it does not bother him! He’s happy to wear a torn pair of shoes if he likes the comfort, even though there may be two absolutely new pairs of the best brand lying at home! That’s our boy! Puzzling to us at many times, yet adorable to the core.

As parents, we feel if mediocrity makes him happy, then so be it. But then something starts gnawing at our heart and we feel, that content though he is right now, he should not regret this later. Later, when there will be no turning back. Later, when time would be lost. Later, when it might appear too late for a fresh start……

I don’t know what the future holds for him but all we wish for is his happiness.

As for the question, “Is mediocrity acceptable?"

Well, if it does not lead him astray, then why not!

Sushant Singh Rajput - You have reminded us that Humans though we are yet we are not Humane!

I read somewhere once that, “Life is a journey which ought to be embraced,” but it isn’t everyday that one wakes up charged and ready to take on the day with all one’s might. There are times when even the most cheerful of people, feel low, a feeling which these days is casually termed as ‘being depressed.’

Its been two days today, since the famous, young, and extremely talented actor, Sushant Singh Rajput left for the heavenly abode. Social media has been flooded with posts of people who have suddenly woken up to the fact that depression is real. They have all turned psychologists, analysts, listeners, sympathizers, and questioners. I do not question the authenticity of their posts as this news has shaken everybody and everyone has a different approach towards it. A person, whom we do not know personally but have only been watching him on the silver screen, has the power the influence our life in such a way, that when he takes his life, he fills everyone’s life with agony. Isn’t it so strange?

That, I guess, stems from the fact that we all are humans. HUMANE……don’t think so but humans, yes. Our lives are tied to each other’s, as we all experience the same emotions – Love, happiness, gratitude, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity and many more. So once when a person takes his life, several questions arise in mind. Which emotion could have resulted in his taking such a drastic step?

Scores of people die everyday, coz that’s the bitter truth of life. Life is evanescent. The famous poet Kabir said, ‘Paani kera budbuda, uss manus ki jaati, dekhat hee mil jayega jyon taara parbhaati.’ This doha of his, has been etched in my memory, ever since I read it in school. It means that life is like a bubble of water, just as the bubble forms and then bursts and mixes with the same water, life too fizzes out. Kabir then goes on to compare life with a star and says, that as soon as the morning light shines, the star gets hidden just like a human life which fades away with time. All of us, have to go sooner or later but when someone departs so early, it definitely breaks your heart.

Dalai Lama said, “The purpose of our lives is to be happy.” Does that mean that if the purpose is lost, then the person should take her/his life? What transpires in a person’s mind before taking such a tough decision is difficult to decipher. I’m sure each person loves life and does not wish to give it up for some frivolous reason. Today after his death, people are all urging others to reach out, but do they actually want to listen or even if they pretend to listen, do they actually care?

Once a life is gone, nothing can compensate that loss. Theories, conjectures and surmises; the most prominent one being the ugly face of nepotism, of him losing out on 7 movies in the past 6 months as he wasn’t liked by the bad brigade of Bollywood which seems to rule the cinematic world. Time and again he had been sidelined by the bigwigs in Bollywood and by ‘bigwigs’ I certainly do not mean, talentwise. So, when I write this, my question is not ‘Why did you do this?’ but my question is, “Why did you not reveal the truth before ending your life? If you had decided to take yours, shouldn’t your suicide note have helped others?” The real reason has gone with you and left others to just cast aspersions.

Few more days and you will be forgotten. Today, your face is splashed across all newspapers but tomorrow you will just remain a name and who can doubt that when people forget even the living souls if they are unsuccessful, cause humans though we are yet we have lost our humanity! RIP Sushant Singh Rajput. You deserved better.

Embracing motherhood at 20!

“Why do you always stop me from doing things?”, “Why can’t I stay up late at night?”, “Why can’t I
play video games?”……These, and many more, are the questions, I’m bombarded with, day in and
day out.

Welcome to the world of motherhood!

At the age when girls are hanging around in college, going out for parties, leading a completely
carefree life; I chose motherhood. Yes, I chose to be a mother when I twenty and by the time I
turned twenty-one, I proudly announced the arrival of my little cherub.

Tiny fingers, entwined in mine, that flaky skin peeling off, that reddish fairish complexion….all made
me fall in love with my little one slowly and steadily. The first thought that comes to your mind when
you see your baby is, “How could I create a baby! A full human being…..a part of me!!!” And once
these overwhelming thoughts clear off, you start living each moment with your baby.

My son was a perfectly happy baby, playful at all times and happy to be in people’s company. Born in
a joint setup, he had the pleasure of getting abundant love from all quarters. Being the first baby at
his maternal side, he was the apple of everyone’s eyes there as well. His only crying moment would
come when he would be extremely hungry. Save that and you were spared the wrath. However, he
just wouldn’t want to sleep. And that my friends, was one big problem. Not that he would be cranky,
but just that he would be in no mood to sleep at any time of the day or night.

The day was manageable, as he would keep playing merrily, throwing his tiny hands and feet in the
air initially, graduating to sitting on the mat and playing with toys strewn all over, to walking around
the house when he was one. The only constraint if he took a rare siesta was that I had to be around
as even while sleeping, he would frequently open his eyes and if I was seen, he would smile and
sleep again instantly but if I wasn’t spotted in the periphery of his bed, all hell would break loose and
he would cry loudly.

Nights however, were nightmarish. With my hubby gone off to sea for half of the year, I would be
left alone to my own devices. Sleeplessness was taking a toll me as my son would be up almost all
night, sleeping only for about half an hour to forty-five minutes at the max and then waking up for
another two hours before that half an hour relief came to me. My father in law was a huge support
as early in the morning, I would just hand my son over to him after giving him a full feed and then
the next four hours would be spent with me being in divine sleep.

Counting a total of sleeping hours, my son would hardly sleep for about 4-6 hours in a total of 24
hours and that too in breaks! God alone knows how he managed all that energy and growth when all
studies point out to long hours of necessary sleep for infants. And since he would be up for such long
hours, he would be hungry all the time. To compensate for the extra feeding, I had to introduce top
feed every 4 hours, apart from breastfeeding him every hour. So, day and night this cycle went on
and on.

Then came his crawling stage. Lo and behold! Who on earth would like to crawl? Since I’m baby
strange due to my funny sleep pattern, I ought to be different in this sphere as well. So, at the age of
7.5 months, he got up with great difficulty, taking the help of two - thick but empty hard cover files;
and took his first five steps into this big world.

If a child chooses to straightaway graduate to walking instead of crawling, there are bound to be
difficulties. He was ecstatic that he could do something different, so he would stand up all the time,
try to walk with his wobbly knees and in due course, make a mad dash to whichever place he
decided as his target and once very close to that place, his excitement would get the better of him
and he would fall with a thud. This had to be attended to and so I would always stay on red alert and
walk right behind him in a squatting position with arms ready to clutch him in case he falls. This went on for around 2 months, until he was about 10 months old and his walk had steadied considerably.

Once he started walking, I had another challenge to face. As soon as he wanted to pee at night, he
would just get up without any warning in the dark and start walking on the bed, towards I don’t
know what! So even while sleeping, I had to be alert to spring into action and hold his hand before
he falls off the bed with eyes shut.

His no sleep requirement activities went on till he turned 2 years old and then, as if some miracle
occurred, he developed a better sleeping pattern.

Looking back at that time, I always feel that had I chosen motherhood at a later stage, I definitely
wouldn’t have been able to manage with him as I did at that time. Waking up almost round-the-
clock, staying active in whatever little sleep I could manage to walking behind him in a crouching
position so that he doesn’t fall and hit his head on the floor; this just wouldn’t have been possible for
me now.
Exhaustion sets in easily now and the knees seem to give away if I try to squat…..not that I’m very
old chronologically, but everybody’s platter is so full with various things these days that we start
feeling old at a relatively young age.

I'm now 37 and my son 16. Needless to say,  I have a different set of problems to deal with. I started my article with his usual rants and those are just a fraction of what I get to hear the whole day through. Not that he is a highly disobedient child but the effect of teenage has surely brushed upon him. He wants to play video games, read novels.....basically do whatever he wishes to, but not study!

I can only thank my stars for facing this, and all that is to come, at a comparatively younger age. It
gives me jitters to think of how I would have handled all this if I had to do so had I been in my forties.

Please note: These are entirely my personal views based on my personal experiences. I do not
intend to hurt anyone’s sentiments with this write up. There are many women around me who have
chosen motherhood at a later stage and are far better than me at their job. A big hug for all the
lovely mothers out there!

Foot note: My hubby ensured that I didn’t get bogged down by motherhood pressures and
occasionally we did go out to the disc. (benefits of staying in a joint setup) We went for a lot many
outings and carried our son along almost everywhere. So, I lived and loved life all this while.

Looking for little joys amidst lock down.....

Today is the 57th day of our self isolation and 51st day of the National Lock down......UNBELIEVABLE!

A couple of months ago, one could have never even imagined of such a life. Last October, when my husband came home from ship, he said he wished for a nice long break. Then in November, while surfing through Netflix, he came across Ali Fazal and Shriya Pilgaonkar's movie, 'House Arrest'. The movie is based on the life of a young man, who places himself willingly under house arrest, living a comfortable and satisfied life. People around him are flustered with his choice but he enjoys his home alone moments to the fullest.

The movie stirred so many happy emotions in my dear husband's mind and he declared that he too would love to live that kind of a life sometime soon.

Coming around to my son..... He's one kid who has always argued that going to school is a complete waste of time and studies can happen even if one is at home.

Finally, over to me......I am the last person in this house, to actually dream of an isolated life, however, my last job was so taxing, that I was frustrated to the T and I desperately needed a break!

Then came the Covid -19 virus and the unimaginable happened!!!!!!!

My husband was supposed to be joining ship but almost the entire world went into a lock down. The very day that my son appeared for his last Board examination, the remaining exams got postponed indefinitely and I had to resort to teaching my students from home.

So basically, not only the three of us, but also the entire world had to be confined home.
One month into the isolation and I had to resign from my job due to a Zoom app crisis.

Ultimately, here we were, both  husband & wife JOBLESS, yet NOT low spirited. People have been cribbing about how they are aching to go out, eat at restaurants, watch a movie, socialize with friends and most importantly have maids to do their work. We, on the other hand, have been making the most of this time and why shouldn't we? Isn't this a dream come true for us, albeit not in a very positive sense but I wonder, in this fast track world, how else could one have possibly gone into a house arrest???

We're cleaning, doing the dishes, cooking, baking, watching shows after shows on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Zee 5, digging into childhood videos of our son, sleeping to our heart's content, reading those novels for which we were not getting time and frolicking throughout the day!!!! It's like living a dream.

While people are counting days for the lock down to get over, we have kind of become addicted to this lifestyle. Now going down to the society vendor even once a week for veggies, seems to be a task. We're happily indoors, beating the heat and enjoying every moment to the fullest. No expensive restaurant dinners, no every Friday new movie, no weekend getaway, no clubbing, no holiday, just staying at home and looking for joys in the tiny little things that life has to offer.

Of course, we are privileged to be able to enjoy this time while many out there are struggling every minute but such is life and we're doing our bit by helping people in whichever way we can.
So, happy lock down to us!

Cover photo credits- Capt. Ashish Dikshit (clicked on a beautiful lock down evening)



Food cooking credits - Barring two dishes made by Capt. Sahab, your humble author would like to take the credit.